anxiety in the unknown

My dad left me a message at 7:30 one morning two weeks ago – concerned that I hadn’t blogged since 4.13 – “something must be wrong if you’re not blogging.” HAHA! I love my Dad!

I guess there is some truth to that though.  The past few weeks – though fun stuff has happened – have been full of anxiety when dealing with surgery related stress.  It is always there lurking in the back of my mind.  Most days – it consumes me.

I’ve been crabby and annoyed this week.  I find that I don’t want to blog because I really don’t have anything nice to say most of the time….and you know the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Or the Steel Magnolias version, “If you don’t have anything nice to say – come sit by me!”  Which is more in the way of my feeling lately.  Misery loves company.  I have been very adamant since starting this blog that I want it to be as transparent, honest and real as possible.  But lately many of my emotions and feelings are in the way of discouraged, raw, full of anxiety, sad….reading a blog full of those emotions could get old, fast.  I don’t want to be a “debbie downer,” but I also want to be real.

I have to make some decisions.  This cannot go on forever.  It just can’t.  I did talk to my cardiologist’s office and they continue to call Johns Hopkins daily, but have had NO response to emails or phone calls.  As maddening and frustrating as the lack of communication is – I can’t ignore that maybe there is some significance in that.  Something this urgent isn’t usually ignored for days, weeks, months….

I have decided to go ahead and plan my next few months.  It’s easy to say that, but it’s been really tough to mentally detach and move forward from the past months of uncertainty.  My life has been put on hold and I am not sure how to move forward.

I am making the best decision I can with all the facts I have been given….

To be continued….

{maybe}  🙂