**Published privately: April 8, 2011 **Published publicly: February 11, 2013

Just a little something I wrote two weeks ago….but didn’t feel like publishing until today.

I think I live there most of the time. I like reality. Living in reality – though it can be a brutal place – allows me to move on and live life. The reality is that I have four aneurysms that need fixing asap. The other reality is that they {most likely} can’t be fixed {right now}. Even though most of us feel completely and utterly blindsided by my {our} new reality and it will take time to get used to it – I don’t want it to BE all we think about and do. I don’t want this to be who I am. Each day, each hour – will be different, many times with new emotions and outlooks. We all knew this day would come, but just didn’t realize that the time may be sooner than anticipated. I have not realized the extent of my stress and anxiety until recently. I think that is what is causing the palpitations – almost daily. I have to find ways to not be so anxious about all of this. My doctor recommended that I blog during this time. I laughed thinking he must have known that I already do that – but he didn’t. Just a suggestion to write out how I’m feeling. Not all of it will be public, but some stuff. This is big stuff. It’s heavy stuff. It’s difficult stuff. I don’t always feel like talking about it and then at other times it’s all I want to talk about. I’d like a more balanced approach to all of this. I don’t feel out of control or that any of this is too much. It’s just a lot. It’s always there. It’s constantly in my mind and hangs in the balance. My doctor gave me the reality of the situation – which I couldn’t appreciate more. I asked tough questions and he answered them. All of them. None of my doctors have done that until this point.

To me there are two realities: medical facts & the what God can do. I believe in both, but trust in the latter more soundly. I have to hear the facts, but I believe in the Lord.

*I may be disabling the comments section from time to time because some stuff I need to just say and let it be.


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