Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010 started out fabulous. I woke up in a great mood – ready for election day! I took my first trip to the polls with my Mom on her lunch break to cast our votes. I was most excited about getting the sticker. (Usually, I vote by absentee ballot.) Next, I ran some errands and then I had two routine doctor check-ups. The first appointment was with my lung doctor whom I just love. Both of the lung doctors are great and I always come away from the clinic with a smile on my face. I actually enjoy going to those appointments. Next I travelled across the clinic to cardiology. The appointment started normally – just catching up on life. Soon the cardiologist reviewed some old films of my heart (from this summer) that he’d never seen before. He immediately switched gears.
Apparently, I am in need of open heart surgery.
I had the first open heart surgery when I was eight. I don’t remember much from it – which is probably good right now. I have to have my aortic valve and root replaced. At first the cardiologist thought it was something I could have done locally. But after talking to the surgeon – they both realized this was a type of surgery that only a handful of surgeons do in the US. I was in shock. I was NOT expecting this news. At. All. I always knew I’d have to have heart surgery again, but I didn’t know when. And as far as I knew – my heart looked great.
I tried so hard to not lose it for the next 30+ minutes of appointment scheduling and consulting, etc. But – I felt so alone. I tried so hard to hold on to the tears burning in my eyes. I could not lose it. I would not lose it. My mind was a reader board saying, “I don’t want to have another operation. God is sovereign. I don’t want to have another operation. God is sovereign….” Over and over I repeated those words in my head. I couldn’t think much past those two phrases.
After all that happened in May…………………I couldn’t even consider having a major surgery. I couldn’t. I will. But in those moments I felt alone and desperate to not start this all over again.